The Road of Lifeless has

I assure you all of this is true.

When I was a lad I would play with the neighborhood kids to come up with games on the street. I didn’t like the bike stunts or the “let’s play ball” type games………I loved using my imagination……….your bike became a jet that when shot down becomes a motorcycle.

The one thing I absolutely loved was the idea of someone being in trouble like playing “cops” and coming to their rescue. Not for the glory but because i valued the sanctity of human life. In JR high I was picked on: being shoved into the walls, bag zipped open causing things to spill out due to the design of the backpack, my stomach punched in, and yet I still tried to live peaceable with others. I remember one time saying hi to a person as the car drove past with me riding in the front seat and the friend said “AARON!” and I’m like “What? would you rather want a friend or a enemy”.

There are two of my favorite things in life: the light that comes on a person’s eyes when they learn something or when they reach a goal that you knew they could. And the second is when you reconcile with someone………..just yesterday I was talking to a friend using my phone and a guy was calling out from a way’s and when he got close I’m like man you can see I’m talking to someone and I couldn’t hear you you could have waited till I was done” having worked about a 9.5 hr day on the clock for a total of 10 hrs at work and the pain and anguish of what I was dealing with in the sound of my voice. He could tell by the sound of my voice, that I was going thru a lot in that moment and it was a deeper issue than him just asking. And he’s like “I’m sorry” and “I’m like its cool man I just had a long day at work” and gave him the time. I was like “Yes! I got to reconcile with someone and I don’t even know his name”

People see the Aspy and what they don’t see is that when I was watching the news one day not knowing what the disorder entailed they were talking about how they did a test on the person and how the person viewed people like themselves and not like themselves equally and the anchor said “maybe they aren’t the one’s with the disorder maybe its us” and I was like “That’s cool! I want that disorder”………… wouldn’t be until recently that I remembered that prayer was honored.

Bethany Hamilton character was said in a movie to have said when asked if she would change the fact of losing one arm due to a shark attack “I wouldn’t change that day if I could because then I wouldn’t have this chance of embracing all of you even with two arms”. I commend Her! Its not easy to lose your favorite thing in your life and to wonder if you will ever get back in the water again only to embrace it as your life’s calling to surf with one arm as I’ve never gone surfing but I know one arm can’t be easy especially to be able to compete.

Here’s what I do know: I will always struggle with having the English Grammer of a second grader, I struggle with learning how to do something but when I do its a even greater accomplishment than those that don’t struggle with learning. When I learn someone can understand English and communicate somewhat well I know what the struggle of learning so I try to make things easier for them. When I taught Yonas from Ethiopia how to clean the tables I gave him a visual: sanitize, soap, water, and sanitize (all lined up on the table with the sanitizer bottle there twice to demonstrate me teaching him) and then emphasized on the second sanitize wait one minute before using the throw away towels afterwards he had it down. Talk about a great feeling you taught someone knew afterwards to do the task.

There are people that think you are great and then there are people that believe in your greatness……..there was a person that I met back in February of last year that we believed in each other’s greatness

Here is how I define believing your great: your a great person that’s all, nothing more.

Believing in your greatness is this: I believe your a great person and not only do I believe that I know your going to accomplish great and fantastic things you could not fathom right now.

The Aspergers plus probably who I am will always prevent me form hitting someone or hurt someone physically. I will never in my lifetime do this and I don’t even like the idea of self defense unless its defending someone else’s ability to live. When people see people walking around I see another living, breathing human being. It bothers me when I treat someone disrespectfully whether or not they deserved it. It bothers me that people treat each other with hatred, malice, and want to hurt each other deeply.

It bothers me when people are the target of jokes by friends of mine that I have to ask them to stop because it really bothers me, no matter who the other person is. Because they are people too…….they have feelings, emotions, eat, and want the best in their life as well.

You know what else bothers me? The things you look back that you wish you could have done differently: the person that no one liked that you could have asked your ex girlfriend that you saw each other’s greatness last February to give a ride for and suggest the idea because maybe they needed it at that moment, the person that you could have invited a ride for who is a good friend even though your exhausted and overwhelmed and just worked graveyard.

Just so you are aware when I worked graveyard its easier for me to get overwhelmed: I am dealing with tiredness, hungry, exhausted from working, I want to get sleep, and I want to just relax. However what I should have done differently is see if my ex-girlfriend doesn’t mind if you ask other’s freely to give people rides for to help them out.

Because in the end we are all trying to get thru life the exact same way.

While my thirty mile journey’s are harder for me (metaphorically speaking) than someone’s one mile journey for me it may feel thirty miles in that one mile…….but what thirty mile journey for them is like for me going one mile? We are all trying to get to the finish line and we are all trying to get to the finish line and cross it all together.

Yes there are day’s I hate the Aspergers and there are day’s I am grateful I have it. But I am so full of life: I like enjoying life to the fullest and enjoying each moment. I love working with people and making them laugh………in fact its my goal to make people laugh every day. I still believe in getting my work done and doing the best job I can but one thing I have found from working graveyard and having shifts with low morale is its morale that gets stuff done quicker and makes everyone happier more than anything else.

I take pride that I am the most forgiving person I know that leaves people scratching their heads but the one thing I take pride in above all is that My heart is pure gold that I would rather have Aspergers for life.

Ricky a co-worker said it well when he said “AB you have high morales for yourself” ya………I do, but then again I believe we are all trying to get thru life together.

I choose not to try to go thru life not judging anyone because why would I want to be judged? I choose to look at the one mile vs 30 mile as often as I can metaphor. Even as a child I wanted the sanctify of life that my first three career goals were

Coast Guard

Law Enforcement


DoD shipyard

For a couple reasons while I knew I would make a great dad one day always wanted to rather be a step parent than a biological even in High School and the second being the benefits to help support a family. Things like paid vacation and the like

I am the most selfless person I know. I will even say if there was a way to get rid of selfishness in me, I would remove it.

The part that tears me apart is I realized recently that there is cure for a heart disease that I had that is rare, yet we spend billions of dollars per year to find a cure for cancer that isn’t chemo or radiation and we do this year after year and haven’t found a cure. My thinking is they haven’t found one because once they do there goes their way of making money. This issue grieves me so much that I have wished they found a cure for cancer and not for the heart disease I had. Yes, I know exactly what I am saying: I’m saying that I wished I didn’t make it and all of those people lived. Not because I want to not live, but the thought of people making money on others suffering isn’t right.

If I were to run a cancer research clinic here is how I would make it: you had to donate from top to bottom 8 hrs once a month, entirely no one is paid, and all the money literally goes to research reducing the amount of overhead and the amount of people that just want to keep the research going so they can retire.


When you date someone with say Aspergers you need to separate which can be hard to do so the person from the disorder and the disorder from the person.

For example you yelled at them and they get overwhelmed and accidentally broke something you need to realize in that moment your yelling is natural and may be even warranted as their partner (partner meaning equal) however that caused them to break something and that yelling you just did caused them to get overwhelmed and break the item by accident.

On the other hand they are late coming home from work and they didn’t tell you about it and your worried plus their food is cold that you had nice and hot and ready by the time they should have been home. Plus the lit candles are now extinguished ruining your romantic dinner. That is now addressing the person.

Understanding how the disability affects the person and how does not affect the person is a key ingredient in being their partner. Due to the fact that it can affect the person a great deal or not affect the person. What experts say may or may not apply to them and knowing how they feel may take awhile and you just need to give it time. They may be hurt or not hurt and don’t push for a response you need to wait for a response on the matter. As their partner this may take awhile and you have to though you won’t like it just be patient. It may hurt in waiting but by waiting you will get a more clear answer and that is what your looking for.

They need time to sort thru their emotions, look at events that took place, look at how things occurred, what is the true nature of the other person and does it match with the actions to where the person is looking at things wrong or are they seeing things as they really are.

If they tell you they have Autism that has taken a lot of trust in them doing so due to the fact that they have seen that disorder used against them time and time again.

Imagine a high number for arguments sake now triple that, that is how many times they have probably felt wronged or misunderstood or hated their aspy as a result of something they can’t control.

Now do you see why it took a lot of trust for them to tell you? They wanted you to know because

a) they trust you

b) they wanted you to see the real them and I mean like IRIS from Goo Goo Dolls

c) they want to give the two of you a chance and knew that by telling you this you have a good chance of doing so.

d) they know they are taking a big risk due to that said number earlier but they feel your worth it.

e) they see something in you that they desire above all others they have met. It’s risky yes and your probably the first person they have dated.

They know dating will not come easily and it won’t come with a promise that you two will live happily ever after, but they believe in you that much.

They know it will take awhile to adjust to it and awhile to know how to say the right things and do the right things to where it comes easily for them. But they still think your worth it.

I’ve had people tell me not to tell the lady you have Autism because then she will think you don’t want to date her.

That is entirely false due to the fact that if she can’t accept you with Autism and your exclusive how can she accept you without Autism? If she is really going to accept you, she needs to accept all of you and to accept all of you it means she has the kind of heart your looking for and waiting for. Yes accepting Autism is very hard to do so and at the end of the day you need to kiss and make up for it to work. However it is doable and by that I mean entirely doable. It will be tough, it will be hard, it will even have times where it stresses you out.

in the end we all have to accept each other’s failings. For me it’s that I understand social interaction probably more than many NTs however I get overwhelmed easier. Though I have learned how to better handle it, I have learned to let things go. I have learned to accept other people’s failings or what comes easier for me comes harder for them and I need to realize it when the time comes. Or as one person put it “because I realize for some walking for one mile to others is like walking 30 miles”

Walking thirty miles for me may be as easy as waking one mile for someone else however for them walking thirty miles in 5 areas can be for me like walking one mile.

Now I’ve hiked one mile and even six miles and that is pretty exhausting and I am told a good long term pace is at most twenty miles a day. This is while I was carrying at times a day pack or even a overnight pack. Which the overnight pack should be about 1/3rd of your weight.

Your breathing hard, sides are aching, your back needs this weight that felt good when you started to come off of you and stay off of you, your thirsty, hungry, want to go to sleep or read a book, and on top of it your water at that point you want it nice and refreshing along with being cold water. You have been eating trail mix to get fiber, protein, carbs and sugar to keep you healthy on top of packing extra water for when your so hot and thirsty and from sweating and you want a nice quick hot meal.

However when you reach the end of the trail and your getting ready to get in your car, you don’t just get in your car you take your pack off right away; you refill your canteens to get even more water in you; and have a nice snack; and on top of it using the bathroom is in order. That is exhaustion at its best.

Except we aren’t talking about that kind of exhaustion. We are talking about exhaustion where you struggle with it all the time and you have to really work at it or really get help in those areas to see them accomplished. There areas I need help in and then there are areas that I excel in.

There are times I need a brother to get thru to the next mile and at times its unbearable. At times I want to cry my eyes out, at times having Aspy makes me so frustrated that I long to take it away from me.

And there are times where I just need that person that means so much to me to stand at my side and just know they will be there and that’s all I need. There are moments where I don’t care if I have Autism and feel like its my super power and there are other moments where it feels like its tiring to have it. To be honest I have my good day’s with it and I have my bad day’s.

People think they have to say the right word to me or do some sweet noble gesture, no at times I just need you to be there at my side or offer to hang out together and have a good time and in those moments you did exactly what was needed.


You stare at me.

I learned from an incredible author “Because I have learned that for some going 1 mile is for others like going 30 miles” and this should hit home for you, because for you going one mile is for me like going 30 miles

You judge me for my inawkardness, for bumping into people, not thinking things thru, you judge me for trying to fit in. You judge me for my learning disability that I always will struggle learning. What you don’t see is that I push myself hard to master those skills, what you don’t see is that I will take the rap so someone doesn’t have to like when we didn’t get a task done but I know is not his fault because he was struggling with anxiety and it was feeling very heavy for him that I had to help get him to have lower anxiety but I don’t want to shame him or to embarrass him so I try to explain that they don’t know the full story.

On top of it I am incredibly clumsy and people judge that as carlesness, should be more careful, watch what your doing. And I am pleading inside to ask “how could I have been more careful? How could I have watched what I was doing more?”

You know what I pride myself in? That I care about others and deeply so. I can help coach people on social communication and that I also pride myself in.

What you don’t see is I am pushing myself each and every day………I push myself to learn a new task, I push myself to love those I want to love, I push myself to getting to know someone I really want to get to know, I push myself to never be full of hatred, never full of malice, but forgive others constantly. And I push myself to do what needs to get done.

I struggle with how to communicate what I so want to communicate to the other person that at times I need time to be able to tell them because I can’t fully tell them in that moment. Other times when they ask or push for it to be by text or even emails it becomes something I can’t do because I can’t really say by email what I need to by phone or in person. And if I make a mistake by phone or if I can tell they misinterpret what was said I can catch it easier. You telling me “yes you can” doesn’t help me by keep pushing it. Because your telling me you know what I struggle with that you do not. You can keep telling me but that doesn’t make it easier for me if you want to help me in that regard help me by giving me someone that can help be my interpreter that is a safe person for you for me to go thru especially by email. If you want me to help you, plz help me in helping you. If that means brainstorming ideas together of who to use to be my interperter, if that means we do so but as a final resort if one of us is confused we call each other about it.

Please also know I am good on my promises, but I need lee-way too……if I don’t hear the phone ring its because I am asleep but as soon as I realize its you especially in the early dawn I will see what’s wrong right away.  If I am in a house that has cell phone issues and I don’t call back right away don’t see it as a attack on you but due to the house having connection issues.

And if your important to me and I don’t mind you knowing the skeletons in my closet I will always be honest with you and you can see it as a sign that I will continue to do so.


Living Comfortably

If you want me to tell you about what being rich means to me it’s not monetary value

It’s knowing you get vacation time pay so even while your gone you can still pay your mortgage. Or having sick leave so you can take care of your child.

It’s the boss that his laugh you really enjoy. And in knowing him over time he becomes a great friend and then mentor.

It’s the best friend that their smile makes your heart warm and your proudest moment is when they achieved their goals that your jumping up and down in their work performance and your so proud of them. And in getting to know them you hope to go to Africa with them.

It’s the boss that pushes you but knows when to back off because he knows he needs to because he’s going to overwhelm you if he pushes you anymore. And in not pushing you it actually allows you to perform better in that moment.

It’s having a dog that makes you smile when you see them and you want to pick out with your girlfriend because they want a dog too.

Its telling your boss your taking the holiday off because your girlfriend is going to be surprised with a momentous occasion.

It’s paying off student loans knowing one day they will be forgiven.

It’s telling your girlfriends boss to plz let Her have these days off and you didn’t even ask Her so you can take her to the airport and consecrate your relationship with vacation.

It’s not about being wealthy, it’s not about the car, it’s not about your 12 passenger plane so you can evangelize worldwide mr. evangelistic. It’s not about the world vacations every other month.

It’s living comfortably and know you have enough to cover emergency expenses but a lot more than that. It’s knowing you have loved ones to come home too that once you leave the door you can’t wait to run back into their arms. It’s you can’t wait to get off work because your going to celebrate Christmas with them or take them for a romantic dinner and their dress is laid out and their favorite shoes on the bed with a note.

It’s about having a job you want and for me it’s working for myself because I don’t like clocking in and clocking out it’s too stressful as someone on the spectrum not because being your own boss is easy but the social dynamics of working for a employer and it feels like it will always be hard to prove your a team player that they would like to promote so you decide to work for yourself.

So when I talk about wanting to be rich for myself this is what I am speaking of. And why I desire it because rich to me is about loved ones. Not three billion in the bank and it’s hard for me to describe to myself but ultimately this is what I mean.

Feeling like Superman

When your in a relationship you should feel secure, you should feel secure that this person is just as faithful to you as you are to them. They should help bring out the best in you even though at times you want to pull your hair when they drive you nuts. You should feel secure when you aren’t around them that you don’t need to worry about what they are doing or not doing.

When it comes to communicating they communicate their doubts in a way that fits you both. When they tell you they are struggling with something it should be able to be heard as “I’m not doing so well and I don’t feel like I am measuring up to the person I want you to see in me but I need your support too. I’m struggling financially or I am struggling whether your cheating on me because babe I’m used to past boyfriends cheating on me. Its sharing that info that can help the two of you grow closer together, because I can tell you that I didn’t feel so great in sharing a burden with someone last night…….I didn’t feel like Superman, I didn’t feel like the guy that can conquer the world, and I didn’t feel attractive. But I can tell you for a fact, how they responded to it has allowed me to be more in awe than ever and I was in awe of them before but now even more so. When there is conflict, they want to work it out just as much as you and understand there can be communicating differences and when you tell them your disabled they want to understand your disability on their own not to pinpoint you down but to understand you more in that moment. They want to know how to help you be a better you.

This is not something I’ve learned in understanding their disability from someone else, its something I’ve understood from understanding myself. When a person takes the time to get to know what bothers you and why it can be time consuming and frustrating for the both of you especially when its something that you don’t quite understand yourself until later on. And to be honest, its easier to let things go when you understand their struggles are not them that are making it hard its what they are dealing with that is creating those struggles.

For example when I was working Graveyard, it often left me tired and exhausted and without a life for a long time. Understanding that I am not attacking you in that moment I am dogged tired and your making it hard for me to deal with it in that moment.

Feeling like superman is not something everyone is going to feel at all times…………but the best relationships aren’t the one’s where you always feel that way or when they always feel you are that way. Its the moments when you let yourself down and they are right there encouraging you on with their pom poms. Its the moments where they are disappointed in you but realize, just because you are superman alot of the time doesn’t mean you are superman all the time. Its not the ability to feel superman all the time that make the best relationships its the ability to not feel like superman all the time that make the best relationships. That’s when you really bond, when you have tears in your eye’s and can say “I feel like I failed myself” or “I feel like I failed you”.

Its the moments when the government screws up your rent and you realize that your rent is higher than what it should be yet in discovering the reason why you discover that is because of a glitch in the system. And that tiny glitch made your rent $300 more which for you feels like $3,000 more in that moment. Its the moments when you had a tough day and then you see them and they give you a hug and it helps you face the next moments. Its the moments when you rub their back and it felt so wonderful for that other person that they miss it soon after they say goodbye before your out of sight.

Its the moments you can make stuff fun not because you had a great fantastic day but you help bring out the best in each other. Its the moments you want them to discover something about you so you have them watch a video really important to you so you can do a hint hint.

Its those moments that leave you breathless, its those moments that when you didn’t feel like superman that they help you feel like you can feel greater than superman to face that issue. Its those moments that allow the two of you to bond closer than before. Those are the moments that last. Those are the moments that stick with you. When everything feels bleak and you fight for your relationship because you know there is some good in your relationship and its worth fighting for.



Its around that time of year that it will soon be Christmas…………but I can tell you it hasn’t really felt like Christmas for the past 10 years.

My Mom passed away in 2008 and My family didn’t understand that I should be able to open up presents or that I was supposed to be given something by this deal. Ever since then its about food, laughter, and AB get out of the kitchen not even wondering why I keep asking to help out or telling me why they keep telling me for most of those years.

People celebrate Christmas in alot of ways that are unique to them, for me its this going to Christmas Service singing the same songs that you have sang a hundred times before, and then going to look at Christmas lights, having hot coca, and then going to bed. And when the family is altogether again opening up Christmas presents and then having a meal.

You see for me its not about the Presents and most of the time presents are great but not needed. Its about the thought that counts even when your brother that is also autistic and probably less functioning on the spectrum gives your sister a large insect and say’s I was thinking of you when I saw this………probably because She used to work in a lab. But for me that is how I think of Christmas……..

Probably because that is how I grew up with Christmas so it brings those memories back of when you didn’t think you got that present but then your told to go grab something underneath a bed to help put the presents away and its a hockey table. Its the moments where you remember for your birthday you got a train set that you even had dreams about that train set. As an adult I don’t need that stuff, I don’t need micromachines, legos, a hockey table, or a train set. But getting a DS game, a smartphone watch, a really cool hoodie, those knicknacks that are $10 like when one person gave me this thing that you can use to make all these bacon dishes, or a backscrubber for the shower that the handle doesn’t come off, a pocket watch, etc those are things that makes it feel like Christmas.

I will self correct myself and say it did when I celebrated it with my former best friend and we went to Church and then joked with her family and the tears were coming out of everyone’s eyes from laughing too hard. Or when someone else gave me those really cool knick knacks. It was those memories that stayed with you, those memories that you cherish even after the friendship has been sunk like the Titanic.

Its not about the presents, its the thought of “wow I knew you really wanted this or could use this” its the thought of the sunshine on their face when they opened that present you couldn’t wait to give to them. Its the thought of not just taking them out to dinner but its the thought of “you know I really saw you checking this out and I snuck it behind your back when we were at the checkout lane”

Its the winter snow the sound of snow trampling under your feet, the cold brisk air, the still silence the snow makes when its in the air as well as sticking to the ground, its the thought of family, friends, and loved one’s surrounding themselves in the living room.

Again its not the presents its the thought of thinking about others, its the thought weeks or even months ahead of time. One person said he got to celebrate it 4x: 1x when he bought the item 2x when he wrapped it right away and a 3x time when he placed it under the tree and a 4x when they opened it.

This year everyone is excited, they are talking about shopping, cool deals, and they are talking about all the fun they are going to have and even “can’t wait to get home to spend time with family” and all I can think of is get me past this year…………get me past this month and on top of it being able to get holiday pay.


I have seen many of my friends and family date one person and then there is a bad break up and they go onto the next person very soon afterwards. The cycle repeats itself with the person asking why they can’t find the right person. Soon they have had 5 relationships all in the last year and none of them longer than 6 months. Because they didn’t allow themselves to fully heal from the first person or the second or third and are just making the same mistakes just with different people. Eventually if they are lucky they find the right person however they can’t enjoy that person because they still haven’t learned from the first person or the second or third. Its a unevitble cycle, due to they change people and experiences but but not the problems that were surfaced. They can’t tell you why they keep repeating but the fact is sooner or later its going to require counseling and once they get to counseling then and only then can they find happiness in the right relationship.

Problem they face each time is they are so afraid of admiting that they need counseling without considering the joys with counseling.

I can say first hand that in choosing counseling I’ve allowed myself to understand more about me and why i am the way I am. Plus I’ve learned more about the situation I was in and if it should ever be allowed to reconcile with this person I can use those tools going in.


Some of you ally’s make the best ally’s and your great at it…………but you could do so much better.

You think all you need to know is what you learn what most people can relate to on the job training but that’s not the case. That you don’t need to look things up and understand why the aspie in your life is being effected this way. When often just looking it up can help give you an idea what’s going on.

Some people think that all is really needed is just to move on, but that doesn’t help when the other person hasn’t said “ya know I created alot of damage in this area in fact there was so much damage created that I need to own up to it” They call the person up and tell the Aspie “I lied to you repeatedly, I made things difficult for us to be friends when you didn’t know what to expect from me and when you tried to understand how to respect me you were seen as the enemy in that moment. I treated you with such disrespect that I just needed to own up to it and tell you it wasn’t all on you it was on me too”. Both of you know that its not going to go back to the friendship and neither of you want to ever again. And the fact that the person hadn’t owned up to it made matters worse for you.

The Irony is we tell children “kiss and make up” as in “go ahead and hug your brother and tell each other your sorry. But as adults we focus on “I am unwilling to apologize ever to this person”.

When something effects me deeply I will spend weeks even months trying to understand it and learn how to perceive it by spending that time.

For several reasons

1. It deeply effected me that I need to sort out my emotions

2. Talking about it with safe people helps me get over it

3. It helps me process what happened and what really happened

As so many want to only see the face data without trying to understand what really happened.

It helps me in knowing how to deal with such a incident in the future And in talking it out I can avoid the same thing in the future plus get feedback on what they think however I will choose to take it or leave it but that doesn’t mean their feedback will not be important to me it only means it’s important to see how others see it as well plus any thing I’m not aware of that they can provide.

4. How well you know me and I mean know me plays a huge role plus the other people involved or the situation at hand.

5. It helps me knowing where I am in the wrong or not in the wrong as the case may be at times and what I can learn from to grow from that same experience.

6. I have learned that by looking at something and taking the time to do so from five different angles provides a different perspective than just viewing it from one angle alone.

7. It also helps me grieve

All of this because emotions are hard for me along with the fact of processing my emotions and my thoughts can take a long while. Some can do this in quick steps and they avoid the risk of entirely being in the wrong and never learning from it. I however find the benefit of doing so to actually know more about myself, where I need to grow, where I am doing well and even excelling. Some of have said this is obsessing for me and others it’s how we naturally process events. As for me to do it quickly will often lead to misunderstandings and I won’t learn from the experience or consider what my reaction should be afterwards. And often doing so my insight can be deeper than others and more insightful and full of wisdom by doing so

Comforting your loved one

There is no greater height for a guy my height and than a gal that is petite and here is why.

When she is petite and wants to be comforted she can bury her head in your chest and easily do so. This I’m sure is very comforting for her in that area more than on top of your shoulder but it’s also comforting for me

It’s comforting because my chest is where my heart lies and where my heart lies is where my being solely exists for your heart and I mean your own heart has been the birth place of songs

How about this one?


And I’d give up forever to touch you
‘Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now….And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Goo Goo Dolls


You can take my heart, you can take my breath When you pry it from my cold, dead chest


Or this one?

Living on a prayer

She says, we’ve got to hold on to what we’ve got
It doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not
We’ve got each other and that’s a lot for love
We’ll give it a shot
Woah, we’re half way there
Woah, livin’ on a prayer
Take my hand, we’ll make it I swear
Woah, livin’ on a prayer
-Bon Jovi
They are all talking about love and how they feel about another person or how they feel about love oneself. All of this resonates not with the mind because you can’t logically explain love, outwit love, you can’t rationalize it, and you can’t outsmart it you can only feel love in its truest form.
I choose to love yes
However don’t come to me and say I love you if you know you’re hurting me as saying I love you for hurting is a cold blow back up that you love me and then you can say it.
Also telling me that someone didn’t have a choice that deeply painfully hurt you and they should be allowed to remain in the same way they were beforehand is like rationalizing abuse because you are rationalizing abuse.
Because those are feelings backed up by actions now we will at times hurt each other and wound each other that is true but the above should not. For that is a betrayal that is mostly met by feelings.
That is why she should want to press her head against your chest for that is your soul and your soul should deeply love her in every fashion. It should deeply want to honor her in every way. The Hebrew language uses the word Lord to describe husband but only because he is called to die to his wife, lay his life down for his wife, shed his blood for his wife, get his body heavily scarred for his wife for his wife’s sake not his own.
So who is more important here? The husband or the one that the lord serves and lays his life for every day? I personally say its the lady, because she gets the bigger reward by him dying to himself to serve her.
Few can know my heart in deepness and in understanding because while they may want to it also has to be something I desire as well.
One person said “we are friends, I drive you home, we talk at Church” well yes we do that but friendship is also do you know this persons struggles, do they deeply trust you, when they bring up an issue are you willing to listen to them and not respond until they are done. Do you know them very well and can tell someone a lot about them. And do you want to do these things because it brings you joy and to benefit them? Do you want to even when it’s hard to do so?
he thought we were friends but he didn’t know my fears, my struggles, we hadn’t spent time together outside of church or spent time joking like you can with a dear friend.
There are some that when I meet I can’t wait to see them again whether it’s a man or more importantly the one person I have given my heart to. When I first got to know Her I couldn’t wait to get to know Her more not because I had fallen in love with Her but because I just simply wanted to get to know Her more so as a person.


There are times I will ask someone to talk about something audibly and they think its because of their voice…………plain and simple that’s not the reason and it never is. You don’t just tell me your voice sound or if its bass alto, or even tenor. You tell me your emotions, your thoughts, your frame of mind. I can tell more easily if your frustrated and calm at the same time or if your angry and even if you and I are cool and just working something out. Things like background noise, how you pause your words before starting or in the midst of a thought tell me alot about what is going on. Your also telling me things like if your chewing on something, if your sleepy, or if its a good time for you. All of these micro-signals you don’t even realize my brain picks up on and helps me respond to you in that moment. Let’s say for example I say the wrong thing, I hear my own words and can correct it alot quicker because I am hearing my voice say the wrong thing to you if the person is understanding sort they will let it slide. What you see is strange in reality is normal because I can assure you things like text messages and messenger didn’t exist before late 20th century and things like autocorrect were unheard of.

Try this out for yourself imagine you have a great best friend and you understand each other very well and I mean completely well in fact you can mock each other and slam each other using certain phrases and still be respecting each other because you know that about the other.

Now let’s say your phrase is “fuck you” and they respond laughingly “well fuck you too” now imagine what that might look like by text messages only.

They are having a hard day, they contact you and are like “can we get together for coffee about something” and you respond with “fuck you” and your just about to add “see you at 7pm” when they see your first response and block you because what you didn’t know is they lost their job that day and need your support.

Now imagine they call you and their voice is shakey, their voice is quivery, and you can tell they are trying hard not to cry and get in control of themselves. Imagine them saying “can we get together for coffee” what is your response now? Its like “wow are you okay? *talk to the misses Jo almost never cries can we cancel our dinner reservation as I want to make sure he’s okay……She agrees as long as you go see a movie the same week and you both have been looking forward to this dinner* “Ya just talk to the wife, she say’s I can meet you tonight……..are you okay? Tell you what, tell me when and where you want it and its on me”

Your friend’s response is like “My gosh, thank you” and when you meet they tell you of how they lost their job and you bond over this incredible experience all by hearing their voice. Think about how close the two of you bonded in this moment and how the relationship drift that would have happened didn’t happen to start with because you heard each other’s emotions and thoughts.

When your blunt I still hear your text but when your blunt by audio I hear your respectness in your voice or how tired of you are of arguing. I hear your disrespect as you pin something on me that you know better or pinning because you think you know me so well and you think you do or what I did wrong but you really don’t. I hear the love in your voice as even while being blunt your still respecting me in that moment and caring about me as a person.

So when you say texting is a great way to solve an issue or get to know each other or to be on the same page or to connect as two people………….I don’t think you understand communication like you used to.