When you date someone with say Aspergers you need to separate which can be hard to do so the person from the disorder and the disorder from the person.
For example you yelled at them and they get overwhelmed and accidentally broke something you need to realize in that moment your yelling is natural and may be even warranted as their partner (partner meaning equal) however that caused them to break something and that yelling you just did caused them to get overwhelmed and break the item by accident.
On the other hand they are late coming home from work and they didn’t tell you about it and your worried plus their food is cold that you had nice and hot and ready by the time they should have been home. Plus the lit candles are now extinguished ruining your romantic dinner. That is now addressing the person.
Understanding how the disability affects the person and how does not affect the person is a key ingredient in being their partner. Due to the fact that it can affect the person a great deal or not affect the person. What experts say may or may not apply to them and knowing how they feel may take awhile and you just need to give it time. They may be hurt or not hurt and don’t push for a response you need to wait for a response on the matter. As their partner this may take awhile and you have to though you won’t like it just be patient. It may hurt in waiting but by waiting you will get a more clear answer and that is what your looking for.
They need time to sort thru their emotions, look at events that took place, look at how things occurred, what is the true nature of the other person and does it match with the actions to where the person is looking at things wrong or are they seeing things as they really are.
If they tell you they have Autism that has taken a lot of trust in them doing so due to the fact that they have seen that disorder used against them time and time again.
Imagine a high number for arguments sake now triple that, that is how many times they have probably felt wronged or misunderstood or hated their aspy as a result of something they can’t control.
Now do you see why it took a lot of trust for them to tell you? They wanted you to know because
a) they trust you
b) they wanted you to see the real them and I mean like IRIS from Goo Goo Dolls
c) they want to give the two of you a chance and knew that by telling you this you have a good chance of doing so.
d) they know they are taking a big risk due to that said number earlier but they feel your worth it.
e) they see something in you that they desire above all others they have met. It’s risky yes and your probably the first person they have dated.
They know dating will not come easily and it won’t come with a promise that you two will live happily ever after, but they believe in you that much.
They know it will take awhile to adjust to it and awhile to know how to say the right things and do the right things to where it comes easily for them. But they still think your worth it.
I’ve had people tell me not to tell the lady you have Autism because then she will think you don’t want to date her.
That is entirely false due to the fact that if she can’t accept you with Autism and your exclusive how can she accept you without Autism? If she is really going to accept you, she needs to accept all of you and to accept all of you it means she has the kind of heart your looking for and waiting for. Yes accepting Autism is very hard to do so and at the end of the day you need to kiss and make up for it to work. However it is doable and by that I mean entirely doable. It will be tough, it will be hard, it will even have times where it stresses you out.
in the end we all have to accept each other’s failings. For me it’s that I understand social interaction probably more than many NTs however I get overwhelmed easier. Though I have learned how to better handle it, I have learned to let things go. I have learned to accept other people’s failings or what comes easier for me comes harder for them and I need to realize it when the time comes. Or as one person put it “because I realize for some walking for one mile to others is like walking 30 miles”
Walking thirty miles for me may be as easy as waking one mile for someone else however for them walking thirty miles in 5 areas can be for me like walking one mile.
Now I’ve hiked one mile and even six miles and that is pretty exhausting and I am told a good long term pace is at most twenty miles a day. This is while I was carrying at times a day pack or even a overnight pack. Which the overnight pack should be about 1/3rd of your weight.
Your breathing hard, sides are aching, your back needs this weight that felt good when you started to come off of you and stay off of you, your thirsty, hungry, want to go to sleep or read a book, and on top of it your water at that point you want it nice and refreshing along with being cold water. You have been eating trail mix to get fiber, protein, carbs and sugar to keep you healthy on top of packing extra water for when your so hot and thirsty and from sweating and you want a nice quick hot meal.
However when you reach the end of the trail and your getting ready to get in your car, you don’t just get in your car you take your pack off right away; you refill your canteens to get even more water in you; and have a nice snack; and on top of it using the bathroom is in order. That is exhaustion at its best.
Except we aren’t talking about that kind of exhaustion. We are talking about exhaustion where you struggle with it all the time and you have to really work at it or really get help in those areas to see them accomplished. There areas I need help in and then there are areas that I excel in.
There are times I need a brother to get thru to the next mile and at times its unbearable. At times I want to cry my eyes out, at times having Aspy makes me so frustrated that I long to take it away from me.
And there are times where I just need that person that means so much to me to stand at my side and just know they will be there and that’s all I need. There are moments where I don’t care if I have Autism and feel like its my super power and there are other moments where it feels like its tiring to have it. To be honest I have my good day’s with it and I have my bad day’s.
People think they have to say the right word to me or do some sweet noble gesture, no at times I just need you to be there at my side or offer to hang out together and have a good time and in those moments you did exactly what was needed.