Its with a heavy heart I write this……..

Everyone wants and desires to be loved………..this is why this post is so hard to write.

A bird that was born in the cage, believes that flying is a disease.” Alejandro Jodorowsky

10 years ago the first woman I ever got to know (My Mom) passed away, I tried encouraging Her in getting a weight loss reduction knowing it would be fully covered by insurance and she chose not to. (I am still at a loss for words why She chose not to) Because of this she had a heart attack. I felt completely powerless to do anything about it to prevent the first woman I ever respected who was also very complicated and I do mean complicated from exiting my life.

This is very true and so is a bird that is taught to live in a cage by several sources. In talking to someone about dating I said that the more I get turned down or used the harder it is to face it again but what makes it easier is I know what a great guy I am. Ironically when I told this same person that I missed my best friend (same person i was interested in) they had this shock look  in their face as if to say the same shock when you find out your house is on fire.

This was one of the reasons why I didn’t rely on their advice about dating our co-worker and another because they can’t say anything good about their husband even on that same co-workers birthday he had tackled the dishes and straightened up the kitchen. To be honest there was a lot there in the photo this person was so proud of to show off about their husbands way’s of showing love. It was stacked like it hadn’t been cleaned in two weeks, any straightening up would be a improvement. But it only showed one side of the kitchen which now makes me wonder what did the rest of the kitchen look like and what did he have going on at the time and did he work full time or was he stay at home, what stress did he have, etc.

I then decided to go to people that I valued not only their opinion but how they chose to pursue their beloved (if they had one) and if they didn’t the person they were interested in. I only got from those people “go for it man!!!!”

I’ve had a former friend say “dont tell a gal you have Aspergers or she will think you don’t want to date” let that sink in……….she’s telling you outright don’t tell them who you are,  don’t tell them why you struggle, don’t tell them anything because you won’t find love”

I’ve been told that someone wanted to be a best friend in the same year only to realize they were against it from the start and didn’t even want to be friends…………right now not getting rid of everything they gave me including a video of a dog of her’s is hard to do and will probably end up happening as I am very fond of dogs and was fond of Lady in particular and spent alot of time taking care of Lady.

I’ve been told “You can never get married because you couldn’t take care of the children adequately” (while I date older women that is not why I choose to date older women). I’ve had a guy refer to the Autism as “condition” but the word condition was broken up each time with co and dition with a three long minute pause between the two.

I’ve been told by a best friend in year 7 that I wasn’t important to Her or in getting together that in year 8 of talking but not being friends Her seriousness was found in broken and empty promises, even returning something that week was found to prove her point that you weren’t important to Her for it took three weeks.

I’ve had fixers some of them even guy’s, their whole ability in knowing you is simply fixing you that is where they get their energy from. One guy was a friend until he found his call to enter the ministry and then he became a fixer.

I’ve had people say that love was found in giving them gifts such as “$100” and that if you couldn’t do so they didn’t want a relationship and I’m not talking about a reasonable $100 it was a gift like for a birthday cake and iTunes gift cards that somehow they desperately needed in that moment every dollar of that gift card (still mind boggling how they could spend that much on iTunes).

And I know I am not the only Aspie to deal with this, many at age 30 are still wondering what is wrong with me and they are good looking guy’s and good looking women and they haven’t had a single exclusive relationship.

I’ve had people that I have wondered if we would have worked if I didn’t have Autism or if they would have given it a chance. I go to functions and I get side wise glances which immediately makes me suspicious because it makes me question why are they doing so or a guy will look up and I will notice it and then look at his phone again and then a short time again repeat the process.

So if you want to know why I struggle with dating my first girlfriend in my mid-30s on that part, its not because I wanted to its because I have been taught to that no one will ever love you in a romantic setting. Did I want to question it? HELL TO THE FUCK NO! But at times people have doubts and I always tried to allow my doubts to spur me in reconciling and choosing Her over again, knowing what is normal in a relationship becomes harder……..because I didn’t have experience.

I struggled with the fact the counselor couldn’t understand I was sitting on a very hard stool like what you see in a doctors office and I do mean hard (I wasn’t about to let Her sit there but in a chair where it was comfortable) because while he did couple counseling he didn’t have the ability to get a couch. Now this was my first time in going to couple counseling, but honestly a couch helps with the whole process.

  1. does he sit next to Her or does he choose after she sits down to sit far away from Her?
  2. does he initiate in holding Her hand? While I struggled with this it was mainly due to the fact he didn’t have a couch and there was a arm in between me and Her as it didn’t feel as natural unless she is sitting on my lap.
  3. how is their physical affection with each other? Do they want to kiss and be approrpately physically intimate or do they avoid it at all cost?

Do they joke with each other and talk to each other or stone wall and don’t speak to each other except in the session when forced to and even then their body language makes them look more strangers than best friends and soulmates?

It felt like I understood Her so well and each day since the breakup I understand more and more why I did so, I understood Her so well because we are so much alike in so many many ways that I am still amazed by the thought.

Honestly I am working on myself right now and I hope to one day wash her feet as a sign of never again will she serve anyone else much less me. She was right, I wasn’t ready because I wasn’t used that feeling for the whole world to know and to be honest in dating Her I didn’t find anyone with a better heart than Her, I didn’t find anyone that we were so much alike than Her.

There is a point in ITALIAN JOB (and yes I do like movies that “glorify” Criminals) where they were told in the beginning there was barely any bricks left and he was trying to move the last remaining bricks after outsmarting his team.

The team later on goes after him to steal back the bricks and this mathmatician say’s there is so many bricks in here which is worth so much money. Now even split that many ways it was still alot of money for each of them. One of them Her dad instrumented the whole thing most of the time and he was killed in the process when they were all trying to get in on the job except for Her……..he mentored a guy who at one point became a Dad to him too and She was jealous about their relationship. They end up falling in love and spending the rest of their lives together.

The reason why I bring this up is after the mathmatician say’s how much is remaining two of the guy’s are having a conversation

first guy: say’s the amount of the money

second guy: say it again!

(they repeat this conversation)

When you are used to love being seen as how much money you have in giving that person a gift before you have a relationship, when you are seen as others that you should never get married, when you have church’s telling you to walk home about 6-7 miles knowing that its impossible for you to do so (at one point I was wearing flip flopsfor my ride never showed).

That feeling of “say it again” is how I keep feeling when the friend tells you “She really loved you” except this is more special than any gold brick with unique history…………because money is shitty unless you can spend the rest of your life with someone you deeply love.

When someone was pushing me to do something they knew I was uncomfortable with after yelling at me the day before and I kept telling them “just a second” “give me a minute” etc and then the next day they are pushing to talk after I keep telling them no and this same person was attacking my relationship with the second woman in my life I ever loved who was my girlfriend time after time after time. And I felt powerless and then when they had pushed me to talk (the Judas Iscariot) I so wanted to protect my relationship with this woman I loved that it felt like My Mom having a heart attack all over again only this wasn’t my mom this was my girlfriend and to be honest while My mom gave birth to me no one could replace this dear woman that so captured my heart.

To where it felt like I fell in love with the right woman and it still feels this way because I fell in love with Her heart that is why when it comes to reconciling it feels like at times I know the right words to say to Her. And the minute I do so after so long of holding it inside that it feels like I am left with a bracelet in my hand.

Except I don’t have a bracelet in my hand nor my sweater that I wore on our first date nor even a mug and I had to replace my french press. I have photos of Her and Her and Her kids and a card Her daughter gave to Her and all I want to do is give it back to Her whether or not I get my stuff back or sweep Her off of Her feet. Even the first day I got back to work that is what I was trying to do is give something that I felt She wanted back to Her. It didn’t matter about my things as those are replaceable, I just wanted to go to my boss and say “can i just have my mug and you can give her these photos” and I have been waiting to do so ever since.

To be honest in the movie about Prince Harry and Meghan I can sympathize alot of what he went thru, you see I never got to really say goodbye and I’ve been trying to every year from October to December since. As at that time a blizzard hit Washington and it was a long Snowy, cold, icy December and January. I would spend most of my time just being cooped up in the house due to the roads and due to where I lived.

We got to the spot to separate Her ashes and took turns and then when we were all done we just left immediately………..I can still visualize the spot to this day and find it again. I haven’t been there since then for any purpose knowing if I did so I would need someone close to me to go with as I couldn’t handle it on my own. It feels like the minute I start opening myself to this woman that not only is respected like I did to mom that gave me birth but I respect, value, and esteem her even more so than that its like the heart attack all over again and the feeling of feeling utterly powerless.

My former best friend (and friend only) didn’t even want to celebrate Her life this year and when we did she had so detached Herself in a year’s time that we didn’t have anything substantial to talk about that could be enjoyable conversation between the two of us.

And when I try to reconcile with Her I feel more powerless before than I did just the week before. And telling Her that when I told my youngest sister about Her that not only was I dating this wonderful person and I hope one day they can meet and My sister is so eager to meet Her but is willing for Her firstborn son to be there as well can never be said. Or the feelings of what I figured out from talking to my sister in those two days and what I saw and experienced that I so wanted to confide in Her about that I realized had taken place in the last 5 years.