We are seen as insensitive, not caring, don’t think about others and the list goes on.
I see what alot of NTs do too. I see the person that cancels their bff’s request to go with them to a lost parent’s bff memorial simply because “they didn’t want to go” and they make the excuse that its just as valid as the person a couple states away that also offered just to come back for that, that also happens to be pregnant.
We can see what you guy’s don’t see, we can perceive what you don’t tell us about yourselves or others. We can see where your lying when you don’t even see it and we can see where someone is telling the truth when you don’t see it yourself.
I can often talk to someone and they will tell me something about someone they have known for years and I will be able to say what is at play and the person is like “Wow, ya didn’t see that before”. People think I find out thru ulterior means, I dont. I find out thru means like others telling me knowing I also know the person, I find out thru things that bother that person that normally wouldn’t. If a person has a hard time in accepting being comforted, its very possible they have never felt what its like in being comforted to begin with. If a person has a issue with all men its probably because he hasn’t dealt with someone in his past that he really looked up to probably a father or mentor figure.
We know the answer of what your asking but we show you what you don’t want to see by getting you to answer a loved one of our’s in how they will respond to something when your more likely to be honest about their reaction than your own.
Our empathy can be second to none, we have the strongest empathy of anyone in the world. One person reported that they had to move two inside trees from inside their house away from each other to allow sunlight and they wondered if they missed each other, another bumped into a bookcase and said sorry to it. Some of you think i am messing with your head at this moment and if I am being serious: 1. no i’m not messing with your head and 2. yes therefore I am being serious.
I can get upset at hospitals because they will force someone to be in the same clothes, not wash themselves over 12 hrs just to tell them “I cant help you” after they want a rape test and to be honest I was at the point of being pissed off about it. Have I personally dealt with it and been raped? No, not at all. I just know people that have and have talked to them about it. I can imagine what it would be like to look at yourself and remember certain parts of the incident and where a part of the clothing had been used (say your bra strap) during the rape. The feeling of feeling so dirty you want to wash your whole body, but yet you are literally clean and still have the aroma of herbal essence mixed with coconut in the air along with your perfume. The feeling of feeling so violated that you wonder if you can trust anyone again. On top of that it was someone you trusted very deeply.
Yes a person that may not make it may lose their life, yet while they lose their life and I understand that is a very serious issue and should be taken seriously. The person that was raped has to live with it for the rest of their life. It will never go away, it will never end and should be taken serious just as much as the person that is feeling their life slipping. Why would they want a rape test? Well unless they are trying to prove it to themselves and I don’t feel that is the case they are wanting to use it to press charges. As a rape test in that situation would be the best way to prove their case if they find what they are looking for.
Even a couple people have told me in the past 6 months they feel like they were only wanted for their body with one comparing themselves to a prostitute because when they look at Her they only see Her body. Yet when I knew Her I always saw Her bright spots too: to clarify Her heart that can shine at times like the sun, I can see how she struggles with stuff done from even before she could walk. I see the times that She is the most caring person in the world.
Even if I were to date someone like that, I decided from the get-go that I would only touch them how and when they asked. If we have kissed before on the lips and She tells me “I know its our anniversary of one month of dating, but don’t kiss me and if you want to touch me only hold my hand or hug me” or even at six months and She makes that clear I will do my best to only hold her hand or hug her standing up nothing else until She say’s otherwise. And if She needs time so be it, if i forget apologize.
I may not have been that person that told Her I want you for only what I can get, but others before me did. Even if I were to know that person for their whole life it wouldn’t matter, because respecting them and trusting them only mattered. And if there came a time when we slept together and she couldn’t handle it while dating even though I stayed on my side of the bed give Her that space. Friendships and relationships are not about “me” its about “you before me”. People think you need to give yourself over to the guy if your dating because its not fair to him. HELL NO! if you have been thru that shit or he knows you have, its about him accommodating you and seeing in that moment “How can i respect Her?” “How can I show love to Her?” it may take me a long time but She’s worth it to me. If you found Her attractive to begin with, She should be worth fighting for that trust in those areas.
Even guys to other guy’s I often see them as they portray themselves as assholes. One guy broke a promise he made a couple times, no one put up him up to that promise but himself. On top of it for years if we were to meet at say 6pm he would call at 615pm and say “I am running late (No kidding, didn’t realize that) I still have things to do and then I will be leaving here at a arrival around 645pm.” The guy then blew up at being asked a fair question about him breaking those promises. Two months go by from him blowing up, no apology, no explanation, not even a letter.
On more than one occasion if i was supposed to carpool with him he would call to say “sorry I forgot to pick you up and I am almost at such and such place” It was almost like that Church taught “commitments are how you want to make them to be” due to the fact that how many times have I asked someone if something works and they make a commitment and then back out no matter how important it is for me or for them about what was asked.
A lady friend goes “I dont know if you know this, but its normal for guy’s not to apologize” I’m thinking “say what?????? I thought I was on the spectrum for a social matter and guy’s don’t do this? I then explained to me, apologizing doesn’t say so much “I am wrong” it say’s more to the person “you matter to me”
Not every aspie is this way that are males, I however do. You may say its because I was shown this way growing up……………I wasn’t I had a mom that never apologized a day in Her life. In trying to tell Her how it bothered me She would say that is for others to say not for me to say. In Her not apologizing it told me my feelings didn’t matter to me, even though intellectually I knew different.
It bothers me when someone is making great strides in themselves and then throws in the towel. I believed in them to the very end of knowing them and still do. I see their successes and failures both but I know who they could be, who they can be, who they want to be are all one. Yet they so often run the race and before they are just about to get to the finish line throw in the towel and then go back to where they came from.
I know ultimately I can only encourage and all the work involved will be theirs. How often have I wanted encouragement and when someone believed I could my drive to do so not only went into hyper drive mach speed. Oh sure it was a joy to do so as well and a honor but I also knew how often I needed that for myself when it was just me encouraging me. How often has that spark lit a flame that out me at Mach 10.
The point is my friend I am an empath and a aspie, in researching empathy by accident to be honest the day after a adrenal fatigue. I learned why it bothers me, it bothers me when people intimidate me on purpose, it bothers me like the friend that goes for the go the finish line and stops and then goes backwards it’s that it’s someone I care about! I even started looking it up because i cared about a dear friend to figure out why something bothered her and how I could prevent it from happening
Just because I love them doesn’t mean they can ever apologize for what occured (referring to the person that does relays “I want to get ahead, nope I want to go back, and then repeats that) . It means that to protect my heart and those around me I choose to walk away entirely. In the same way a cousin walks away from a drug addict. Yet in writing this I am reminded of a famous actress that fell into drug addiction, breaking laws and for a couple years was a big laughing joke after a really good performance high. Leslie Lohan has not been heard about in the media since, I honestly mocked her in my heart (sad to say) and then one day wonder if she just needed love from a close friend but tough love. I will always walk away from that person as it’s much too painful from having been friends with them in the past a couple times.
See in the end my friend I am completely walking away, because she will always have a love hate relationship with me. But in walking away it bothers me that she doesn’t take lessons from my psychology teacher Brenda Combs. Who lost her dignity, shoes, was a user, lived on the streets, and after all that got her doctorate and made a name for herself.
(see link) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scniw8hEG94&t=63s
I feel for people, I have feelings, I am human last time I checked. But I am starting to wonder if NT is just a spectrum social issue as ND ever was.
In JR High I was shoved into the wall that the teacher on the other side had to check it out as it was her classroom that i was shoved into, i was punched in the stomach several times by someone i used to know in Cub Scouts, in Freshmen year I had to deal with food thrown at my back, food stolen that I earned for working in the cafeteria, lots of other types of bullying, people had to bribe me to not sit at their table in the classroom, I would be given a locker and the person would say they would share it with someone else and before I could get to that locker to “claim it” (knowing what the other would do) they had already claimed it, I had my bag unzipped and due to how low the zipper was on the bag it was allowed to go it would cause everything to fall out books, papers, lunch, and all repeatedly, I went into being in Honor Society to having my grades really drop.
You want to say nothing affects me? I had to choose to eat in my Mom’s office just to not have to deal with cafeteria issues and even then it didnt stop everything.
How often have I asked for the definition of something and the person is now pissed off beyond belief. I don’t ask for the definition of a word or phrase to screw with that person’s head. I ask because i can take a word in the dictionary and I bet you anything I can find a different meaning it not even related to the original definition that your unaware of no matter the word. Even a phrase can have a couple meaning’s depending on how its used. The word “Tuna” can mean fish but to me it can also mean they literally stink because they don’t take care of themselves or their character and morals stink too.
Even someone using the song SET THEM FREE by STING can be misconstrued by myself. Look at the lyrics, it talks about “I am here for you” and then you have this line that confused the hell out of me
If you want to keep something precious,
Got to lock it up and throw away the key.
You want to hold on to your possessions, don’t even think about me.
It took me hours and in understanding what the song is referring to and actually referring to, to understand it meant That you were talking about the things you hold sacred like the other person. When I think of “Set them free” I think of letting a wild bird go when its done by a rehabilitation team, they don’t want the bird to ever fly back. In the same way the person I set free that is doing relays.
I lock up possessions from those that I don’t care about and don’t trust or will ever trust. Even in writing this I am using a Desktop that off the market factory manufactured alone costs $2,000 not including if you want to add things to it. Do I lock it up from someone I care about? HELL NO! I trust them to respect it like I would. Would I lock it up from someone I don’t trust? HELL YA! On top of holding onto my possession, I would let the person I don’t trust out of my life. Because one would respect it and the other would damage or steal it.
People tell me “I am a private person”, I get that I really do as I am also a private person. If i think something in your eyes or my eyes for best results needs to be done in private I will try to make it happen. I will also probably do it over the phone or in person knowing it delivers best results. Knowing full often its not the ability to hear them that has bothered a relationship more, its the ability to do so privately.
If its a friend at work, I prefer to do it outside of work so that we can communicate more effectively and both enjoy the conversation and be on the same page or even in the parking lot before or after work.
People say “I dont have to deal with Autism, PTSD, etc” as if that’s an excuse to not understand it and learn how to deal with it. Honestly no you dont you never had to. I honestly don’t have to deal with menstrual cycles, I don’t have to deal with you being a mom, you being pregnant (even as a friend) and how that changes your body’s chemistry, I don’t have to deal with you having lupus, f/m, check your diabetes, being a parent, some guy that broke your trust and i am trying to win your trust and at the exact same time figure out how to tell you i am interested. I honestly choose those things, simply and I mean simply and I know this sounds corny to you because I want to get to know you and I know in the fact that it affects you it can also impact our relationship. (like I said i know that sounds corny) because we think your worth it all. Not corny? Then why does it sound corny with us?
I remember one scene Corey from BOY MEETS WORLD is going thru a hard time and probably scary for him. Topanga the love of his life doesn’t want to help be there for him and support him she tells Her gf “I want My Corey back” the gf responds “But this is Corey” meaning “Girl, this is the New Corey. If you want him in your life you gotta accept this”. Corey knows She hasn’t been there for him and can feel it, She walks into the hospital where he’s at and pulls out her red lipstick and draws a big red heart on her face.
he tells his mom, that while he hadn’t known Topanga (younger version) as much as She knew his Dad but that he is a better version of himself when he’s around Her. A better version of himself. This is the same Corey that is going thru hell that Topanga wants the old version of him, the one that said this to Her future mother in law.
People think “I could be with you if it wasn’t for the spectrum”, no not really because you would always find something to choose to be in the way if that were the case. You would always find something, because to me Love, Real Love, would find a way to be with that other person no matter how many years you have left.
A Jr high Teacher has a daughter that looks like She’s 12 and will always look that way yet She is in Her early 40s. She was reading Her Bible and at a coffee shop and a guy asked Her “what are you reading” as it happened She found (as most women do as a guy doesn’t pick the women She picks him) that She fell in love with him. He found himself (and this is the coolest part) answering why he wanted to marry Her.
- NO, I don’t want Her social security
- Yes I know She will pass away long before I do
- Yes I care about Her and love Her and want to take care of Her while we have these years together
- It doesn’t matter to me that we won’t grow old together it matters to me that I love Her.
You know what? They got married, he chose Her despite the issue they were facing and the judgmental looks, the slammed doors, and chose Her instead. He didn’t have to deal with it but he chose Her and in choosing Her decided to choose what She was dealing with and how it would affect him. Honestly that story is more memorizing than the best Disney has to offer, because anyone can write a story but it takes a special someone to live it out.
The song MY HERO by Foo Fighters is about everyday heroes as David Grohl tells it because he didn’t have any growing up.
Why do you learn we have a disability and think we are powerless? many of us don’t need to be taken care of, I can get a car now but I choose to wait till I have a emergency funds in place to have a backbone and something to rely on top of that. So I don’t have to sell my car. I choose to do cash only because it’s financially wiser even though it means private seller. I can get to where you need me to go, I may ask for a ride esp if we are going to the same spot. I may ask for a ride if I don’t have another option.
Neurotypicals have a communication, listening, processing, respect, thinking being insensitive to each other issue…..wait that is described of MY not just ND but you see that in us! Why do you only see it in us? You hear social disorder, you hear we have a hard time processing socially different, and you hear that we need everything the same week after week in what we do. You hear that we get overwhelmed but we take steps not to be, If i am socially interacting with someone for the first time I may or may not take steps to make sure she and I have a grand time. Later on I will choose more and more to do things and go places I haven’t gone to.
You know what the strangest thing is? You may not think we are listening to you, but I know for myself I am esp if I really respect you and look up to you and want to be close friends with you. How many times has P said something and I am not reacting the way they want me to react yet later on I look things up, I make changes, when someone wanted a friend I wanted P’s input to know what she thought of the call. As in “what is your honest assessment, do you think this is a good person to know or what did you think about me”.
I was going to let the person know that I couldn’t take the call and had to chat later only to realize it was a bad moment to say so and in trying to be encouraging and supportive to be a nice guy. Apparently that was a bad thing to do.
I don’t always open doors for people no, I check my phone to look at the time because i can’t afford a smartwatch due to it costs too much money right now otherwise to show support to the person I am with that they are important to me I would have, normally when I get a text message its either “close friend, or someone i am interested in” by the text tone as its a iPhone. Since my current device doesn’t allow that, I don’t know without looking. Yet most often esp when I can tell its important I choose not to answer it or respond to it. Or If I know it can wait.
People don’t think I care about them, yet so often decisions and decisions I would take back is all due to one thing………………..caring about that person. Part of the time they see it because its obvious and other times they don’t see it at all. Part of the time I learned that what they said they wanted wasn’t actually needed at that moment it was the exact opposite. It was when they said they needed time yet they needed a song sent to remind them that this world is passing and its not where we belong at all. After losing a loved one and that encouraged them more than in being given space to deal with it on their own.