I grew up where recess was a battle: the playground workers would come to me I there was a issue but they wouldn’t address the issue of I brought it up. I was always told “I will keep my eye on them” ya well thanks man that really showed them huh!?! they can do what they want but if I have a issue you will find me only.

Recess became wondering around or playing some game of allowed and always chosen last. Yet I would play my guts out to prove myself.

Even Wild Waves we needed to do buddy system one of the former friends ditched me while I was changing. Honestly spent way too long trying to find he and his friend yet we were assigned together. To where I should have forgotten they existed and be My own buddy. Often when pairing up for class a teacher had to be my buddy even for meet another student and it seemed I instantly knew not to find someone cause I already knew they had a title not a name.

Going into Junior High I knew that I would be bullied often found in food thrown, stuff missing, a book turned to 8 chapters behind that I am enjoying, shoved into the wall that can be heard on the other side, told I can’t sit at time table because I am white so go to my own table when all I wanted to do was eat, sitting on the bus meant shoving them over due to people not wanting to sit next to or the coveted 6th grade area not being allowed to even though i am in sixth grade yet a lower classman could, people cutting right in front of me to wait for the bus, and even neighbor kids were a issue. I would often be told I was their backup only to hang out with. backup is when you want that nice car new right off the lot you wanted but settle for a beater. Backup is when you buy a computer already used and hope it has a lot of life left and you know your risking of taking a chance.

Kids would cause everything in my backpack to call yet every single one would walk by on their way out of the classroom as I picked it up. If one of them offered it would be too much to ask. To where backpack had to be chosen by can they cause everything to call out or not as first priority in a Christian school. Yes some of the gals I wanted to date privately speaking but looking back that isn’t my kinda gal I would want to date. That isn’t character or a love for your fellow neighbor, and ironically none of the gals I’ve gotten to know after graduating even the ones I’ve reached out to.

People have asked what it means to be Autistic I can define it simply in one sentence

You will always feel misunderstood and someone will want you to do something without even saying what it is and then you wonder why they ended it rather than actually tell you.

I don’t mind being asked when something perceives something I did wrong. Though it helps when you do it by audio, I can’t explain it fully but I connect with you more when I do it by audio. The old excuse “I have been doing this for 12 years and haven’t had any difficulty” doesn’t fly home boy. I understand you more, I connect with you more, and I understand more where you are coming from. The result also means that I can tell you more, I can explain more, and I can give you what your looking for more when its by audio. I don’t just do this for me in requesting, I request it for the both of us. I am a spiral thinker which means that for me personally every thought is related directly to another thought out there. But its so much easier for you to hear and see and feel my thoughts and more so my heart. People talk about that when you make out or make love its your souls and spirits connecting……………..its very similar when its me and the right person and its done by audio. You may not feel it but I can see it when it happens. Its like when I can tell someone about themselves and they know they haven’t told me but its obvious by their reaction that I am right on. That would be hard to explain by text even explaining that I saw those patterns in their photos or what people said about them or how I can tell.

Most often than not miscommunication happens due to autocorrect, a word added that was thought to be needed that was in fact not needed. That throws the convo out of whack and in doing so large misunderstanding. That is where when we could have connected and understood where the other comes from becomes where we don’t understand each other at all. Because I know your upset but I can’t tell why, I hear how it how I said it only but when I hear your reaction its like listening to a heartbeat. You can point out a heartbeat when you hear it and know that is in fact a heartbeat without a doubt. Even the word “heart” as the word “hear” in it, probably because in connecting to others you hear what the their heart is telling you. How many times have you not connected with another person the way that was needed and in doing so walked away yet you could have if you had connected with that person in that moment?

And then you realize later on what was actually said and that you if you had connected with that person you would have connected deeper like Brene Brown talks about in several of Her talks yet you didn’t just lose the connection you also lost the memories that could have been shared and the joys and the thrills you could have experienced as well together.