I am profiled, every day of my life.

No, not like Her, more about Her later

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No not even like this guy, but more about him later

 

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But like this guy…..IMG_0060.JPGno not the guy on the right, but he’s a really good man. The guy on the left, minus the whacky hair due. You see the first 3 people you saw it right away…………..the first person is a fellow gamer who is 18 and you saw race as being the issue. The next person, You saw a physical deformity and even then you saw it right away. And actually the reason why i took his’ photo due to the fact that a guy brought a wagon aboard and treated it like the ADA Act commanding people to move for his’ wagon on a run that if he waited a little longer he could have gotten a ride without being a jackass. This guy pictured said “hey, there’s a seat right here when I was upset with the said passenger due to the fact that I am disabled.” In short to be honest, he was sort of the hero of the day.

You see I have Autism, people see the outside and think I am normal. They may see the Autism and not understand how it affects me, yet either way I am just as human as the others. I have feelings just as the others, and you know what? I get hurt too easily just as much by others that have no regard to how i feel.

I am a PK (Pastor’s Kid), My Dad is no longer a pastor………but I still consider myself just as much. My Mom was on Church staff and helped lead worship for over 15 years, I went to Bible College for a year, and went to a Christian Private School. I can remember parts of the Bible and parts of what I learned that others that taught the course don’t recall………..like how oddly to mention here what a BLOODY PHARISEE referred to. When asked by a customer if I were to die tonight where would I go. I responded with “That’s easy, Heaven” he responded with “Why?” I replied “Pastors say they need God, NO! They want God, I NEED God just to get thru every single day of my life. He’s that important to me, he is my best friend and the most important person in my world.

You know the one thing that bothers me the most is I had a situation where a gal made me uncomfortable that I didn’t want to go to small group, the leader knew and urged oddly enough to look past it……..6 months after guess who didn’t want to go? Her! And he urged me not to go yet she is the type that freaks out a lot and holds grudges and like many would want to reconcile if she was in the wrong yet when I said the wrong thing (in all honesty the phrase I used didn’t work due to it means something else but if she looked at context it would mean starting over. Plus I was the one that was in the wrong when She went bat shit crazy in the very beginning from Her point of view.

This isn’t the first time a small group leader has kicked me out for something that I felt wasn’t justifiable and it wouldn’t be the last.

4 years later after kicked out and having a different small group leader that was addicted to small groups ideology. Riding in a car would turn into conversations of the small group he led, all small groups, or church. Several times I felt the need to stick up for a friend of mine because I didn’t like what he was saying. It sounded like he was being judgemenal also in the small group. He would disturb worship just to talk to someone about small groups even.

It wasn’t that I disrespected either leader, it was that with the first we had where I felt it was okay for Her to mess up but for me to do so in a smaller scale was seen as taboo.

with the second leader having not so great experiences and a leader that idealized small groups as if they were going out of style I felt protective over a friend going thru a hard time.

Last night I went to a group meeting, now I am not that great in meeting new people but I am great once I meet new people for it to go well alot of the time. No one came up to me and started talking, no one offered me to sit by them, one gal even did a side ways glance that i happen to notice and that really made me feel uncomfortable. Honestly the way I felt was unwelcomed, welcomed more by smartphone than by others, the meeting place alot of it hadn’t changed: the same scrape across the dining area, the same carpet, same chairs, same fridge in the cafe, same island in there, it looked like I had been gone for only two months not 6 years.

People talked to people they obviously knew already. I started remembering why I don’t go to Church’s or small groups normally speaking unless I know one person there already. As the time drew to about close to 50 minutes into it, I started wondering “why am I here? what’s keeping me from leaving? It will be freezing to walk all the way back home and very dark (the street the meeting place is at is not lit whatsoever which makes walking at your own risk), and honestly I would feel more comfortable with a lady than with a guy at least until one of the guy’s has my trust in knowing where I live (pet peeve of mine especially in this case)……….no its not normal to prefer a woman over a guy, but that is where I would have felt safest. I ended up leaving before I could get the fruit from that meeting that I came there to get in the first place.

What would happen if a lady made me feel welcomed or a guy? Sat with me even when I am refusing them, yet knowing deep down its a self defense mechanism and I am honestly wanting them to still just sit with me and not leave me alone. Offer to get me food and drink and then be like “hey want to sit with me during worship?” I would probably be enjoying myself and wanting to go back huh?