We are people too!

Everyone with Aspergers wants to feel valued and feel respected and be loved. I haven’t met level 2 or level 3s however we want to feel that. Why? Because while we are different than everyone else we are just like everyone else. We all know what it means to be moved by music that means a lot to you when you hear it, we know what it means what it feels like to be loved, or to get a job that means a lot to you.

We all know what it means to not feel appreciated and to do something and to feel like “oh” when we had good intentions.

We all know what it means to become writers, scientist, bankers, politicians, police officers, and we all know what it means to want to become those too. We have dreams that we all want to achieve and we all have the ability to want to become actors, lawyers, astronauts and to know it’s not in our personality to do so.

I am not the best person to lie to because while you can do so I have learned over time to see lies for what they are. That sooner or later I will have the moment that it’s like wait a minute something is not right here. I know what it’s like to feel lied to and to be like thank you because they didn’t want me to feel stupid and they didn’t know how to reply. However in that moment they had my best interest at heart. People like one guy that lied to me when I asked for something and he said I looked later and I couldn’t find it. Yet he knew it was because I didn’t know the rules and wanted to spare my feelings.

I have moments where I feel like a five year old due to ptsd trauma attacks and my brother punching me yet I do MMA. I have moments where I feel like Captain America where he says

It’s not that I don’t like Nazis, I just don’t like bully’s.

I have moments where I dream of becoming that hero and don’t ask me to be that person because that is not who I am even in writing this tears come to mind time after time. I just did what needed to be done that is all that I did.

And if you are a bully physically or in the religion world you can be rest assured I will stand up to you and You won’t like it and you will know when those moments happen because I will turn into a sheepdog and tell you exactly who you are. And if you are in the religion community as a leader I will give you plenty of time to change and if you use up every opportunity then okay you are no longer a victim of a mistake or bystander because you had the many chances to make things right along the way.

We feel about ABA being abusive and one of the reasons why it’s a debate is people don’t ask us why they tell us why not. So when you face that you are facing a lot of debate material along with arguments like

Crying for a six year old isn’t effective communication

Crying for whom? Because the adult didn’t respond properly or because your such an advocate for it and not the people you deal with.

Or how about from the same person

You mean so and so he didn’t use electrical shock therapy on children

No I mean the founder and you can find it on Wikipedia if you don’t believe me.

My personal favorite in regards to the feeling like they are just monkeys and not a human being with ridiculous instructions that have no meaning

Don’t you take orders from your boss? We all take orders

No, not the same thing and I mean entirely not the same thing. Orders from boss are a lot more respectful in word choice and can be a lot more respectful in tone, demeanor, and where you are at in that moment.

Or

That is how you see it

Ya no comment right there by the way I’m the Aspie, you are the NT ummm big difference.

And I don’t think you know what reinforcement is

Pardon? We all know what it means to reinforce something negatively or positively and for it to be seen that way, if you pat me on the head age 5 it’s a lot different than age 18 with a different tone than normal “to reinforce positive behavior”. We all know what it feels like to be told well done or try again.

Along with you are asking the child to do 25 hrs of schoolwork, 40 hrs of therapy and have time to play most full time jobs don’t require that much hours. Are you asking the child to have a life at that point and be a child or be dog trained by saying

Do arms up

Do jump up and down

Congrats! Your reward is me playing with a truck for five seconds that’s right five seconds with sounds. I know what you are thinking “not really exciting” but guess what I don’t care.

And what is also interesting is fighting ABA one of the two therapist thought it was funny I called it abusive, ummm maybe because they aren’t willing to see where it’s abusive and not helpful and maybe because you see the behaviors but you don’t see the needs that can help those behaviors be made easier for them

I am excited that I can go for manager simply by complaining wearing a good shirt and saying how customer service isn’t about giving them the order it’s making them wanting to come back too

Medication=Being Human?

My Med’s don’t make me normal, they don’t keep me from getting upset at remarks that people make. They don’t make me always docile gentle as a lamb, because yes I got irritated, I get pissed, and you know what I get righteous anger.

You know what does upset me though? Telling me that I am docile without my medication. You think I just need my medication, I think you need to start looking on being medication for all of your outbursts and comments that you say “without thinking” however I will never tell you that you need to be on medication. However I may think such a comment. You may think the comment is harmless and innocent enough but you haven’t asked me how it feels for you to say such a comment in such a matter.

When you say that medication effects meltdowns you have no idea what you are talking about, first off that is like saying you getting angry is controlled by medication and if you don’t take that medication for your own self you won’t ever get angry. Absurd reasoning don’t you think? You can never have a certain emotion due to one medication alone or even a couple medications is completely absurd understanding, because feelings are natural you can’t control them, you can’t change them, you can’t wish them away. You can make them easier to manage say depression or anxiety but only if such a medication exists.

When you ask other Aspies you will get the same answer “not that I know of” however you can control: anxiety, stress, depression. You can give the person a sedative however it may take a long time to kick in.

If you want me to take something like xanax its going to make communication alot harder as I may be thinking of a tree and will wait two minutes “plant, no, bush, oh! its a tree before I can continue on the conversation like normal. That can be really hard on me and very frustrating especially when the person is trying to help but I need them to just be quiet in that moment because my mind is too blank to put something that I am picturing very little into something I can easily picture alot more clearly.

Some people are not even able to do their work with such a medication to where they can’t take it within 24 hrs or 8 hrs of use. That can make it alot harder on them to use the drug while earning a living.

They can be the best of the best in their field but if they are needing such a medication for a time, they could easily lose their job with the wrong supervisor above them that doesn’t understand fully.

No matter how you look at it, medication doesn’t make us more of a human being or act like a docile robot……..it makes us more relaxed and be able to enjoy life fully

I waited

I waited for you to tell me what you really bothered you

I waited for you to tell me why you always canceled

I waited for you to tell me why you can’t tell me what you actually wanted and why you have sexy boots, and yet you weren’t seeing anyone and “you just got that item”

I waited for you to admit your struggles

I waited for you to let us work out our friendship in front of the counselor, not over the phone but in front of them so we would have the best results of working things out.

I came over and waited for you to realize the fact that I was there and to pay attention the fact that I came over just to see you until it was time to leave dejected because your phone was more important than our time together as friends.

I waited for you to go dancing together for the first time and thank me for watching Missy by going to see a movie.

I waited for you to sell your house knowing that I would be excited for you when the day came.

I waited for you when you were seeing other people to be able to shake the right guy’s hand.

I waited for you to thank me for our friendship

I waited for you to look me in the eye and say that your son would not be allowed to treat me with disrespect anymore

I waited for you to realize what we could have if you just allowed us to

I waited for you to know that I tried to respect the best I could, yet it seemed you were always looking out for yourself that I wonder if you had men you wanted to meet in Arizona and that’s the only reason why you agreed to do so.

I wonder why you bailed out at the Caverns and what you did for the entire day when it was your birthday and I was hoping my parents would celebrate it with you.

I waited for you to keep your promises only to wonder why I am still waiting

I waited for you to apologize because at least then when we said goodbye I would feel I had your respect

I wonder why I see a movie and so many lines are the exact same lines you have used, yet the one line you haven’t used about yourself is “they shouldn’t have done that”

I wondered why I haven’t been back to your church as if I wasn’t welcomed there to begin with to where it spoiled your birthday surprise.

I wonder why when we ate lunch even after all of that when you cried, who you were crying about and while its a selfish desire I wish it had been that we were no longer going to be friends yet you won’t give me the dignity to have a good exit.

I wonder if you were crying for yourself alone and that my arm around you to comfort you, meant nothing to you in that moment or when you recall that memory.

But most of all I wonder how we could have 3 hr skype sessions when not alot of people can understand that for our first actual conversation and the one thing that bothers me now isn’t the wondering or waiting its the effect it has on those around me still in my life and you care less yet some of those people are still in your life and you call them family. For when I see photos of you……….its like all the wondering and waiting amounted to naught yet it aged you and the man you are with makes you look younger at the same time but you also look happy and with that I am not only glad I didn’t get to shake his hand to say “Good luck sir, she is a great woman this is true” I even barely recognize you when I see photos posted by your loved ones. For I said it well the last several months I saw you, you didnt want people to see us in public in person.

And I waited for you to be honest, lest of all with yourself so you could be hones with me.

I waited Sandy, but I thought I knew you and know I don’t think I really did, because a friend wouldn’t keep me waiting but help me to stop waiting in 3 years time. A friend wouldn’t steal but realize that I was waiting for you to keep your promise. And a friend wouldn’t turn me away from their church knowing how I felt about it, but invite me into their church and a friend would be open about their emotions and struggles in our friendship and not make me wonder.

I am the sheepdog

Yes I am an intense person, I can be very intense at times. And I know it bothers other people and can really affect our friendships and even the ability to have a relationship.

Yes, I would like to get rid of this once and for all and not have to worry about it. But something you should know about me is I didn’t choose to be this way and didn’t ask for it.

You see:

I lost my Dad to my mom doing parental abuse at age 7 for her not wanting me to see him, not to protect me but because she was being selfish, cold, and getting back at him.

I dealt with abuse in elementary all the way to a Freshmen year in school and don’t tell me they didn’t know for telling a school teacher on recess only meant “I will watch them” with no disciplinary action.

I dealt with losing my mom at age 26

The Christian Church spreading gossip about me knowingly speaking and then ask what do you want me to do about it.

Do you think that might make someone intense and be hard to deal with at times? Don’t you think I would like to one day and say AB you are no longer intense congratulations? Do you think it doesn’t bother me that I can be intense, that many times I wish I wasn’t? Or do you think as you often seem to that I one day and said hmmm I think I will choose to be intense today and make it hard to be friends with someone.

Someone I once knew said you have really changed, ya I did but not because I chose to. Don’t dishonor me by pitying me for that is a great dishonor you can give, if you are a best friend be a best friend, if you are a close friend be a close friend.

Yes I have even looked at taking a major company to court for ethical violation of being fired and then a cover up. Yes, I have dealt with all of this but when thing you must understand also is that my greatest joys are like no other. I am the safest person you have met, I wouldn’t hurt a spider but if you go after someone and try to hurt them I am willing to lay my life down to protect their very right to exist. I have given snacks to people who needed it because I knew they did more than I. I have paid a meal for someone and when they dishonored him told the crew I wouldn’t be back for such a treatment. I have the biggest heart you will ever meet and those that I love I love and those that I will protect I will pursue every angle to get both of us out of their safety and run 300 scenarios in my mind in two minutes and while I am as Alan Turin put it a “Atheist to violence” I will protect their very right to exist. Because I will not let that person that I love be harmed by a wolf and those that want to kill, steal, and destroy are the full essence of what a wolf is. So therefore don’t pity me and don’t make it seem like being tense is a ugly thing for you do yourself a great dishonor by doing so.

Skipping Stones

I’m standing by the lake throwing pebbles in wishing for a dream or two come true

I’m standing at the lake 5 years older still wishing those same dreams will come true

I am now standing at the lake with those dreams come true and the only thing I can think of is you on my mind. I long to spend the time with you at the lake but you are not here right now and I have to be the good soldier and follow orders.

Yet I wish you were here skipping rocks into the lake with me, competing who could throw the farthest or the most skips.

Even as the sun goes down and the rays hit the lake I sigh in content that you may be here once more. I sigh in content that you may be here once more.

For all of my life I have never felt this way about anyone or anything and when you smile your hand even 6′ away is touching my heart that it causes me to want to run to you in that moment and kiss you deeply. Even when we are in places I know we can’t kiss where they won’t allow it, it makes me want to kiss you just to tell everyone how much you mean to me.

For I am standing by the lake skipping stones once more waiting for a second stone to join mine for all of time.

 

One Day

There’s a passage that goes

“Don’t judge others for the measure you use will be used against you”

No where has the church spent so much time in preaching on this yet so much time fighting itself on this very issue and attacking its very ability to keep this standard.

I don’t care what someone has done, what they look like, or how much their behavior is appreciated or not they deserve every respect anyone else does.

Someone once called a person dear to me a word that I will never repeat for its cruel and twisted in how it was used. I so long for the day that everyone can say “We do not want to fight no more, let us lay our weapons down, and let our children play”. One of the reasons why I am so glad I have Autism is that it allows me to understand that a person’s actions may not reflect who they are but by something they can’t control and that they would love to control that thing they cannot to prevent the action you are very seeing. People deserve that chance, I deserve that chance, everyone deserves that chance to be realized it may not be their behavior that is causing it but something they can never get rid of but they would do so in a heartbeat.

I cannot judge another unless I first look in the mirror and judge myself and see if I would have done any differently if I were in their shoes.

If I want grace, I need to give others grace, If I want to be loved, I need to love others in the same manner. If I want to be accepted I need to be accepted likewise. For only the will the people lay down their weapons and let the children play when everyone worldwide can do this not just one person but everyone.

Tendency’s Vs. Obsession

I do not find the word obsession to be a word that should be used around Aspy’s favorite subjects personally speaking.

The word obsession is often used to describe things that are unhealthy, you can’t get away from, and even related to addiction.

I honestly more like the word tendency’s due to the fact that its a subject I am fond of but not a subject that is unhealthy in how I pursue it. Along with the fact that I could easily say someone that is into wine and everything that goes into it is having a obsession with wine, yet it just happens to be their hobby. They know alot about the subject and can tell you a good wine from a bad wine just from the part of the world its from or who the maker is yet that is still their hobby.

It is their hobby like any other hobby and the only reason why people think mine is a obsession is because I like talking about it. That is the only thing that separates in your mind the difference between obsession vs. tendency, while I have known people that have used the word to describe their own tendency the connotation as it exists in the English dictionary is the one that bothers me the most.

On top of it, let’s say you go thru something really traumatic to talk about it allows you to be able to process it with another person and that can be really helpful when you need to do so, you may spend alot of time talking about it but its because its that hard of a subject that its hard for you to understand how it happened or why it happened or how to go about approaching it.

You’re also at the same time problem solving it so it doesn’t happen again or if it should be overlooked………..either way its allowing your brain to overcome the obstacle you have faced.

Everything I learned about Dating didn’t come from Church

Here is what I have noticed, when you go to a church they ask are you part of our family aka have you taken our classes to belong part of our family.

When you worked with me on graveyard and you walk in on your first night, your automatically my brother. For we are going to face challenges, hard shifts, hard times with management and with each other, and above it all for us to succeed we will need to forgive each other.

Whereas in church, it doesn’t matter if you know the person or not or will see them again or not or have any form of relationship they are your family.

To me family is not about having taken a class to become, it’s about relationship, the need to forgive each other again and again. Face the hardest trials and overcome them and still know you are going to face more trials. On top of it, it also means standing up for each other and having each other’s 6. It means helping your brother whether it’s female or male when they need help but spurring each other on to becoming better. There is no class needed, no certificate, the fact you are here is your certificate even though 2 out of 5 won’t be there long, not because they got terminated but because they didn’t know what they were signing up for and it’s not for them. One person even asked for a leave of absence on their first shift (no I’m not joking). We have faced fellow employees issuing threats, times where management really messed that shift up for everyone, and times when people’s safety needed to be considered.

It’s not about being South Korean baptist or South Korean Methodist to where if your South Korean Baptist please come on by we would love to have you. It’s about you are here that’s all that matters, you got shit going on so do I. You are going thru struggles same here and things you long to change but you cannot do so. It’s not about the need for a class or sharing the same class before you walk in, it’s simply the fact that before you walk in

I myself have fallen in the trailer on soap because two leads and one Ambassador didn’t say it was slippery and to watch my step and fell onto hard wooden floor. There have been times when a current station manager bandaged my arm with tender and care because I fell onto a pallet with a metal table not put together on it and even got my vest hooked up in a fire hydrant that a best friend had to cut me out.

Did I also mention I can be clumsy at times?

We also joke with each other and with management that would make most managers make their head spin but we knew we were just joking with each other. You can hear me call a supervisor asshole (a term of endearment) who calls me jackass and another fuck you yet we have that respect with each other and love for each other. You can hear us confide in them in ways that are hard to express in most areas of business and even have them mentor you, spur you on, help you become a better person, encourage you, help you when needed, laugh with you, and you have the greatest respect for this person. You will do anything for them and they will do anything for you. Even one you will be okay with them yelling at you, because you know why they do it and you see it as something you want not something that bothers you even though with many people it bothers you.

After being called brother, having someone open the door for you and showing you where the break room and restrooms are and grab your personal protection equipment for you, they will perhaps talk to you and even leave you be. The minute your car pulls up you are a brother oh sure you will need a safety class but you are family before that class.

Dating isn’t about sharing a common faith, it’s about how many times you have forgiven each other and will forgive each other. It’s about working things out and how many times you have had to do so. It’s about apologizing to each other again and again with tears and smiles. It’s about being excited for each other when they reach their goals just as if you reached your own goals in that matter. Everyone needs someone that they can feel like this says one artist.

Don’t Stop Believing

You put two people in a room and sooner or later you will have disagreements and arguments.

Along with this you will have doubts and wondering about what you could have said what could you have done better or should be.

I just saw this photo of this “cute couple” the guy was totally loving her like he should but the gal had this incurable condition where she was always going to be ugly……..because he saw her heart……..will she have alot of doubt you bet. Will he? probably just as much if not more when guy’s are usually wired that way. But did he see the real her to take a risk and go after her……….well the fact he is holding her tight and not afraid to kiss her in the photo say’s alot so you tell me.

We all have doubts: doubts about our past, things we can’t control, doubts about who we are, if they see the real us, if we see the real them, even doubts if you made the right move or not and even if you could have done it better.

You will say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, and it will be devastating for you when you realize It. There will be moments where they will hurt you without intending to do so and moments where you do the same.

For me it’s not about the conflict, it’s about your ability to arise above it. I personally decided if I move in with someone I am I a relationship with to get a three bedroom house. One bedroom is yours and the other two are his room and her room. It can have a tv, stereo, computer, books, whatever helps that person to retreat and be ready to be in the same room again as the other. It’s your room the other person can help offer to decorate with ideas they have, but they can’t enter and the relationship is respected no get backs.

One of the reasons for this is the understanding that disorders come into play and with that you have to learn how to cope with theirs, them cope with yours, even if it’s PTSD or SPD.

We think the best relationships never have any doubt, arguments, and they always know without any doubt thereof. I don’t think this is the case, I think they still had doubts but they talked it over, they worked it out, and by this I don’t mean via texting or emailing I mean face to face or over the phone. A person once said the only way they stay together due to her bipolar is she has her partner tell her what bothered him at the end of the day and they make amends and they do this every night. That got me to thinking why should it just be one person and not both. Also the best ways I’ve grown closer to someone is thru the apology and some of those apology’s mean the world to me. For reasons due to privacy I won’t get into that here or hey ya know this isn’t me and this isn’t you that affected this moment it’s related to what I struggle with. I’ve done that and I probably should more often.

Two of my favorite lines in addressing doubt are

I believe, but help me with my unbelief

Remind yourself what you know to be true

What I love about the second line is he’s saying “I know what’s true, I know this doesn’t seem right and there’s more that I need to understand but can you help me with the rest because I am confused right now”. Is he saying it all its wrong? all bad? No, he just wants to understand what he doesn’t know but respect the person by saying I know there is more to this and I want help with it.

And a third isn’t a line it’s the song don’t stop believing because I’ve always believed that at the end of the day real love true love can conquer all. It will have ups and downs and will even have bad moments but if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be and no force in this world can prevent that because love is more powerful than anything that man can create. It’s more powerful than disorders, trauma, it’s more powerful than separation, deep hurt.

So don’t stop believing

Dating my best friend

Many people date without dating their friend or the person they just met, here is why I want to date someone that is my best friend. I want to know that when I get to their door the word doorbell or why you didn’t knock didn’t enter their mind when you just walk in. To know where they are at in the house in that moment even two stories without being told.

To be honest I didn’t come up with that allegory, it was told to me. About 2005 I started having a repeated dream where I would go into someone’s house and I knew I was just able to walk in and the gal was downstairs kind of like a basement and She had been helping Her mom for a year to where she never got to go outside and got to play yet the gal’s skin was healthy and she was fit in every way as if she was entirely healthy by going outside but in the dream she never left the house. Yet it wasn’t because she had to it was because she wanted to that was just who she is.

It was followed up with and always followed up with I went into the house and there were alot of people there that were her family and I knew right away where she was because I knew Her that well.

Here is another thing, I want to know them that most people don’t understand or don’t get because they don’t take the time to get to know the real them. But you did and that is what they appreciate about you and you them. I want to be frustrated and angry that your siblings will never meet them because they are too selfish before they could have met her to get the chance to know about her.

And when you tell them you love them, they have let you seen their horrible moments they aren’t proud of, the moments that are hard to explain, and the moments that make them cry. But you have also seen the moments you are proud of and the moments that capture your heart so when you say I love you at the end of the day they can smile and say to themselves inside “yes, yes you do. For you know all about me and still love me”. And even when you are scared inside you desperately want them to see the real you. Your hilarious moments are the moments no one else would understand.

As someone once said

You know the AB (myself) but you don’t know the real AB.

I want them to know the real AB that Aaron is a title because it’s my middle name, but they more than any other call me by name because they know the real AB and I know the real them.

For me dating someone is not just to know about their mistakes, its also to know their doubts that no one else will ever know, its to know about their moments that are their worse moment in their eyes but to you its their best moment you think about. Its to allow you to see their imperfections, their scars and I don’t mean the one’s on their body I mean the one’s inside that you wouldn’t know unless they told you, its to know the parts that very few people get to see. Not because you got to spend alot of time around them, but because they allowed you to see it and when they are honest with themselves they wanted you to see it. Its to see the moments that they are at their worse and when you talk about them it doesn’t even come to mind.

Because for me that is how real intimacy happens no matter the disorder no matter if its Autism or something like bipolar or even if its schizophrenia because when they let you see all of that that is when trust is really built and that is the foundation of intimacy and when you make love its more special to the two of you than ever before.